So it has been about a year since I last posted I believe. I would like to say that I have just been so busy living life, but that's not entirely true. This past year has been pretty rocky, but I persevered through it and have come out stronger than ever. I heard a comment before that I believe wholeheartedly to be true: "Sometimes God has to completely break someone down to rock bottom before He can truly transform them in His image." (Note: This is not quoted verbatim nor do I remember who said it; my memory can be horrible with details such as these.) I feel that this describes my journey the past two years perfectly. I have decided to open myself up and make myself vulnerable by exposing my struggles (and triumphs) these past two years that have led me to the woman of God that I am today. Much of this is new to people as I have not been very open about this to many people. What I am about to describe is not something I would like many people to know, but I believe that it may help others who have or are going through similar experiences.
As most of my friends know, I did not have the picture perfect childhood growing up nor the perfect family (but let's be honest who really does?? lol). Anyway, I have struggled with depression since about middle school. Mostly typical immature kid stuff; I am not sure if any kid truly loves those awkward years! When I got to college, I met some great people who were truly inspirational and help me come out of my awkward shy shell that I was sealed in. Even before that, the summer before I started college, I volunteered my time as a huddle leader for a week at an FCA multi-sport camp in Pella, Iowa. How I was such able to be a strong spiritual leader for my girls was all on God. I was nowhere near where I needed to be spiritually when I got to camp. I continued to grow as a person and as a follower of God through the next four years through great friends I met in college, but mostly through some great people and leaders I met through my experiences at FCA camp. (The name for my blog comes from FCA experiences actually-see "The story behind the name"). I cannot even begin to justly describe the positive impact FCA has had on my life.
Well, that was college. College was also great because I was a biology pre-med major (if you don't understand the implications of this, then you must be a Comm major lol) and a two-sport athlete (for the most part). I was busy all the time studying, working out and going to competitions and practices. Then came grad school... God truly blessed me with the opportunity to study at one of the top exercise science graduate programs in the country; however, that's all I had to do. Three days of classes for just a few hours a day was just not enough to keep me busy. I went from having one to two hours of "free time" each day to chill, relax, study to having an average of one to two hours of things to do each day. So I had plenty of time to sit there, do nothing and contemplate life. If you have ever struggled with depression or known someone who has struggled with it, you know that is one of the worst things for them. When someone with depression sits there and just think, all the thoughts are negative. There is nothing negative that anyone has ever told me (even in anger when they didn't truly mean it) that I haven't told myself, except my comments were always worse. I got down on myself for everything and anything under the sun. Those who knew me in college knew me as the athlete who worked her ass off and stopped at nothing to achieve my dreams. Those who knew me my first year of grad school knew me as the lazy shell of a person who was just going through the motions. I had lost all my confidence and it showed in my studies and in my coaching. I had stopped working out and started eating my emotions. I gained a bunch of weight and fell so far out of shape. My mental state got so bad that by the end of the semester, I was on the verge of failing out of grad school. I knew I had to do something.
After confiding in a close friend, she encouraged me to go get some professional help. I went to the doctor and she diagnosed me with depression. I took this news to my advisor not sure how he would take it or what my future held. Thank God, he was very understanding and helped me work out a plan to keep me in school. This plan had me take two years to complete the program versus the traditional one year with summer.
It was all lollipops and rainbows after that. I went home over winter break and was able to work through some issues that I had. I came back the next semester determined not to let my future slip through my hands. I knew that I was following the Lord's plan. I knew he wanted me at UWL in grad school pursuing that degree and a career as a collegiate strength and conditioning coach. I just didn't know why he was making my path so difficult. I did much better academically that semester but I still wasn't there completely physically, mentally, or spiritually.
That following summer I was still struggling with the truly living versus just going through the motions of day-to-day activity. (Note: I was on anti-depressants in the winter and spring but then no longer had insurance and could not afford them anymore.) I had one very bad episode that summer that almost sent me backwards. Thank God, I had FCA camp immediately following that episode. (Notice the trend here- God always comes and saves me when I am at my absolute lowest.) With the help of God and being in an amazing community of followers, I was able to pull myself together and resolve the conflict that threatened my mental state.
Then came the fall semester. I made some more amazing friends and started to become active in the church I was attending off and on. I started going to life groups more regularly and become better friends with fellow churchgoers. I don't even know if they even realize how much I leaned on them this past year. I was finally getting my act together academically. I received my first 4.0 since middle school (or high school, I can't remember). However, I was not there spiritually or physically, specifically not as a coach. This was a huge problem as God was calling me to be a strength coach. With my internship (which I did not have but knew I would have to have to graduate) looming only a few short months away, this was a major source of anxiety. That winter, my prayer was constantly that God would somehow prepare me for my internship in the summer. I had no faith in myself, but I had faith in God.
I started my last semester determined to bring glory to God and to do what was necessary to prepare myself. I contacted the strength coach about working in the strength center at UWL. A little late, but I knew I had to get experience and had to get a letter of recommendation from him if I wanted to get an internship. Besides that, I missed working in there. I love coaching athletes and I love working out. I was doing neither and it felt like a huge part of me was missing. My own insecurities kept me out of the strength center the previous semesters, and I still had those insecurities going in there that semester. It was honestly one of the scariest things I had ever done, but God knew what he was doing. I was able to feel at ease very fast in that setting and started doing what I love doing again. I started working out again. In the matter of a few short months, I had completely transformed from an insecure, anxious, disconnected horribly out-of-shape individual to a confident, secure less out-of-shape individual coach and woman of God. I believe I was able to hide most of my insecurities from the majority of people, but those who knew me best could see the change.
I am still not sure how, but somehow God was able to answer my prayer. Not only did he completely transform my way of thinking and acting by the time summer came around, but he gave me the AMAZING opportunity to intern in one of the top internship programs in the country at NC State. Oh, and of course, I found out last minute. That is also another theme in my journey-God ALWAYS comes through but he usually does it at last minute when I think I have no options. He is continuing to test my faith.
He still continues to test my faith and continues to grow me into the soldier he has willed me to be. I am so excited to continue my journey with God here in North Carolina. I still find it hard to believe how far I have come in these past two years. I am so excited to continue to see how God works in my life and how he continues to grow me into being a woman after his own heart. I am so blessed that God has willed me to pursue a career that I am truly passionate about and love doing every day. I get up every morning excited to go to work and to do God's work. I just pray that I will always keep him first and always seek his glory and not my own.
Although this post is rather long, it is too short to truly do justice to how show how much God has influenced and changed me these past two years! I would love to go into more detail with anyone who is interested. Exposing myself like this was very hard for me to do as I hate to be seen as weak, but honestly we are all weak. None of us are strong enough to get through life. That is why we need God to be strong for us. I believe Matthew West does a very good job of describing this in his song "Strong Enough":
You must
You must think I'm strong
To give me what I'm going through
Well, forgive me
Forgive me if I'm wrong
But this looks like more than I can do
On my own
I know I'm not strong enough to be
everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not stong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
For the both of us
Well, maybe
Maybe that's the point
To reach the point of giving up
Cause when I'm finally
Finally at rock bottom
Well, that's when I start looking up
And reaching out
I know I'm not strong enough to be
Everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not stong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
Cause I'm broken
Down to nothing
But I'm still holding on to the one thing
You are God
and you are strong
When I am weak
I can do all things
Through Christ who gives me strength
And I don't have to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
I can do all things
Through Christ who gives me strength
And I don't have to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
Oh, yeah
I know I'm not strong enough to be
Everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not stong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
Strong enough
If this post helps even one person, then I believe it was worth it to expose myself like this. No matter where you are in life, God can pull you out. You just have to open your eyes and grab his hand that he has been holding out to you this whole time.
Feedback and encouragement are welcomed as I continue to share with you on my journey to bring glory to God!
For the Glory!
